Column about sports where one-liners and sarcasm will be the theme in the ever laughable world of professional sports.

Monday, January 31, 2005

Quick Hits #7

Sammy Sosa to the Orioles. Sosa to O's. Great move for both teams. Or is it? The Orioles are banking on spending only a few million dollars for a guy in a contract year who still has the potential for huge home run numbers and, more importantly, putting butts in the seats at beautiful Camden Yards. The Cubs get Sosa out of Chicago and bring in speed and versatility and two young possibilities to a somewhat depleted Cubs Farm System. And all I and most Cubs fans can say is, thanks for the memories Sammy, now, don't let the door hit you in the ass on yoru way out-of-town.

Granted Sammy went out-of-town 15 minutes into the final game of the season. Good team player. Can anyone else see Sammy Sausage pulling a back muscle while he eats a Crabcake or is kissing his fingers?

Well, whatever he does, he will do it with one of the most potent offenses in the major leagues with Sosa, Rafael Palmeiro, Javy Lopez and Miguel Tejada. This team has solid offense but absolutely no pitching. And they do not even have enough offense to beat out the Red Sox or the Yankees.

Rudy T is gone from the Lakers. So everyone pull out your piece of paper, Kobe Bryant has now had two Hall-of-Fame caliber coaches and one Elite, guaranteeed Hall-of-Fame center quit because of him.

Maybe Phil Jackson wants his old job back......probably not. Granted, what self-respecting, decent coach would want this job? You have minimal talent with a star player who is more arrogant than all of Hollywood combine and one that you do not know if he will be arrested come tomorrow.

Baltimore Ravens cornerback, Corey Fuller, was recently acquitted from charges of Illegally running a high stakes card games at his home and gun charges. Ray Lewis (murder) and Jamal Lewis (conspiracy to deal illegal narcotics) celebrated Fuller's acquittal by drinking Malt Liquor and talking about how they got away with murder. Granted, for Fuller and Jamal Lewis, it was a matter of speach, for Ray Lewis, it was the truth.

T.O.......will he play or will he not? Will it matter? I have a bad feeling, even though I would like to see the Eagles win, that this game could get ugly, especially since it will be Patriots Offensive and Defenseive Coordinators (Charlie Weiss and Romeo Crennel, respectively) final hurrah with the team representing the Northeast of the U.S.

Last word:
Word has leaked that Arizona Cardinals running back and NFL career yards rushing record, Emmitt Smith, will retire. It may even happen as soon as Thursday. And apparently he may do it will Jerry Jones at his side. Rumor has it, Smith may sign a one-day contract to finish his career a Cowboy. As good as Smith was, and having the career rushing yardage record, he was, at best, the fourth best running back ever behind (in no particular order) Walter Payton, Jim Brown and Barry Sanders. Especially for Payton and Sanders, I was not alive during the days of Brown, they had to play much of their careers behind poor to bad offensive lines. Payton had a good line the last few seasons of his career. Smith was running behind some of the best offensive lines in the history of the NFL. Must be nice, as "they" say. But, not taking anything away from Smith, since he was still a heck of a football player.

Super Bowl Prediction:
Patriot 38, Eagles 17

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Quick Hits #6

And then there was 2. Illinois and (out-of-nowhere) Boston College remain the only two undefeated teams amoung the college ranks after Illinois ended Wisconsin's 38 game home win streak and Boston College defeated a strong Providence team. Meanwhile the other undefeated, Duke, lost at home to Maryland.

Ok, people, LeBron James hurt his ankle, true. He came back and helped his team win, true. But a Willis Reed moment? I think not. Lets look at this closer, Regular season game versus Game 7 of the NBA Finals, favor Reed. James played against the Memphis Grizzlies (name two players on the Grizzlies, please), Reed played against Wilt Chamberlain and the Los Angeles Lakers. A good game and gutsy performance by LeBron, but no Willis Reed.

Speaking of the Lakers, they have hit a new low. The Los Angeles Lakers, playing on the road in Los Angeles, against the Clippers (I wonder if the commute time is longer), the Lakers loss to the Clippers. It is a good thing that Kobe drove Shaq and Phil away since he can still handle his business.

The Denver Nuggets are about to hire George Karl to become their new head coach and replace Michael Cooper who was the coach on an interim basis. I think Karl is a perfect fit for the Nuggets. He can continue to underachieve as a head coach with a team that continues to underachieve. Sounds like a perfect match. I heard Rich Kotite is available.

Mets GM Omar Minaya just signed Fidel Castro to a 4-year, $30 Million contract.

With the Atlantic Division team in first place as currently being an under .500 team, when does the WNBA start?

Ooops...I meant, who cares when the WNBA starts.
...Or maybe it was, does the WNBA still exist?

Raven RB Jamal Lewis was sentenced to 4 months in prison for using his cell phone to setup a drug deal. Good move, Jamal. That is like Donald Trump trying to start a lemonade stand on a hot day. Just be careful this coming Super Bowl Sunday, Jamal, yo should probably not go to Atlanta with Ray Lewis to watch the game because we could tack on a murder charge that will indefinitely be dropped.

Lewis still has to rehab his ankle over the off season, which he will be allowed to do while serving his 4 months in prison. So let me get this straight, he will be surrounded around large men that have been convicted of various charges of crime? Is Lewis going to prison or the Palace at Auburn Hills for a Pistons-Pacers Game? Or any NBA team, as a matter of fact?

Doug Mientkiewicz, recently traded from the Red Sox to the Mets, has decided to give the Red Sox the ball that recorded the final out in their historic World Series Championship for no money, on loan, for one year. In which time, he expects to get the ball back. When asked about if he should be able to keep the ball and sell it or be forced to give it back, Latrell Sprewell said he would sell the ball so that he and his $14 Million annual salary could afford to put food on the table for his family.

Federal agents recently raided the home of BALCO founder Victor Conte. Does anyone else see Conte home kind of like the Grotto, but instead of Hot women in skantly clad swimwear, it is athletes like Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa, Jason Giambi and Marion Jones hanging out and applying the "Cream and the Clear"? I think I would prefer to be at the Grotto. Just me talking here.

I know this has been already srutinized, but.....
Within mere minutes of his team's loss in the AFC Championship game to the New England Patriots, Plaxico Burress (yes that is his first name) complained about how many catches he had over the season. This coming from the guy who dropped a touchdown catch in an important stage of the game. Good thing he knows when to talk and when to let his hands do the talking....cue up Freddie Mitchell thanking his hands. Plaxico, Go home, do not pass go, do not collect $200. (More like $2 Million).

Terrell Owens looks like he is going to ignore his doctor's advice and try to prepare to play in the Super Bowl a week and a half away. Let me get this right, he has a crack bone and knee ligaments and is doing everything he can to play. John Abraham was cleared to play by the doctor and refused to help his team in an AFC Playoff game. Hmmm....I wonder what would have happened if A) Owens was in a contract year B) Abraham was not in a contract year. Anyways, kudos to Owens for doing anything he can to play in the Super Bowl and I still shake my head at Abraham for letting down his teammates.

With the Conference Playoff games over, let the media circus begin for the Super Bowl. Especially since there is no NHL (not like anyone cares) and the NBA is more boring than ever since the Suns and Sonics games are never shown west of the Pacific Ocean.

And last bit, to the baby in the Quiznos commercials.....the way the baby pats his belly and the lips of someone else, does this freak out anyone else? Everytime I see this commercial, it freaks the hell out of me.

Friday, January 21, 2005

Quick Hits #5

NHL's season, Going Once, Going Twice.....

The NHL overall, Going Once, Going Twice.......

The NHL, who cares....

Don Nelson, head coach of the Dallas Mavericks, recently had his rotator cuff repaired, and immediately Omar Minaya of the Mets signed him to a 3-year, $15 Million contract.

University of Texas forward, P.J. Tucker, was announced to be academically ineligible for the rest of the basketball season. All a "student" athlete has to do in order to remain eligible is to pass 6 credit hours. Where is Gary Barnett when we need him? I am sure he could find someone to help alleviate some of the stress for Tucker.

Argentine Juan Ignacio Chela spit in the direction of Lleyton Hewitt during their third round match of the Australian Open. Apparently Chela did not appreciate certain on-court "gesticulations". This after Hewitt's second round match opponent, American James Blake, did not appreciate on-court of Hewitt. And I am thinking, Who is Lleyton Hewitt? Who is Lleyton Hewitt? I have no respect for Lleyton Hewitt. Or is that Karim Garcia? Ahh...I dont remember.


"Big Ben" Roethlisbergersjkghfgjjgvniorkladvmwekfj has lost a game. Well, he and the Steelers. I dont think any one person can be blamed for this lost. Yes, Roethlisberger threw three interceptions, never good in any game, let alone the AFC Championship Game, but I think the Defense was stuck in ketchup, I mean catsup...something at Heinz Field. You think Teresa Heinz has a box there? Because then her husband could go to the game and cheer on Mike Brady and Casey Dillon and his favorite coach of his "beloved" Patriots, Brian Billick.

So it looks like Carlos Delgado is going to pass on the Texas Rangers and the New York Mets, the two suitors who offered the most amount of money and the longest number of years. It appears to be between the Florida Marlins and the Baltimore Orioles. This means the Mets have a lot more money to spend. And since it seems less and less likely Mets GM, Omar Minaya, will trade for Cubs OF, Sammy Sosa, there is a possibility for...hold on, my cell phone is ringing. Omar Minaya must be calling to give me a contract next. He has all that money that he continues to spend and overspend. He was willing to offer Roger Clemens more than the 1-year $18 Million contract the Astros gave, he was will to offer a 5-year eleventy billion dollar contract.

Will the Patriots get any respect now? The defense still has no one going to the Pro Bowl. That means the defense is not any good. Not good as in winning fourteen games this season including the Colts twice (once in the regular season and once in the playoffs) and shutting down the Steelers running game. Hmmm, yeah, that sounds pretty bad. So you think it is just the scheme? Because the scheme is what actually makes the tackle and the interception returns for touchdowns? I think not. In this era in football, between free agency and salary caps, we will look back at the New England Patriots and, to a lesser extent, the Philadelphia Eagles as serious dynasties. Going to three Super Bowls over a four year period proves this team could play in any era. And for the Eagles, going to four consecutive NFC Championship games is not nothing either. I think the Eagles needed to A) Go to the Super Bowl (check) B) Win the Super Bowl to be able to put themselves as an elite team along with the Patriots along with the Cowboys of the early 90s, 49ers of the 80s, Steelers of the 70s and the Packers of the 60s. If I am missing teams, I apologize. And I would have liked to included the Bears from the mid-80s, seeing as I am a Bears fan, I just couldnt pull the trigger since they got to only one Super Bowl (and gave up a whopping 10 points over three games in the playoffs) and they got to the NFC Championship game, but I feel like the 49ers were more of the team to beat in the 80s.

One last note, and I apologize since this is coming from a Bulls fan who is back on the wagon, a wagon that was unhitched for 6 years, but after watching this team play the last 10 games, this is a team that is on the verge. They play very unselfish basketball on the offensive end, and they play real tough on the defensive side of the court. They play tough enough that they made the usually tough, NBA Champions, Detroit Pistons, fall apart in Detroit because of the level of physical play. Scott Skiles has brought a serious level of coaching skills to the Bulls. I am not sure he will be the coach when the Bulls make their serious runs in the playoffs, but he is a heck of a coach right now to be able to turn this team around that looked like they belonged in the CBA or NBAD rather than the NBA. It is nice to be able to be proud of one sports team in Chicago, which is usually all that we get to be proud of here.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Quick Hits #4

"I would like to thank my hands...." ahhh Freddie Mitchell, where have you been all season with your comic relief? Actually, I better question would be, where have you been all season? Nothing like playing one good game to straight praising your hands. Maybe you should thank your legs too for finally getting you open.

Barrett Robbins, former Oakland Raider who infamously went AWOL just before Oakland's Super Bowl performance who was later diagnosed as bipolar, was recently shot by police in Miami Beach, FL and continues to be in critical condition. When asked what he was doing Robbins thought he was blocking for his quarterback Ace Ventura for the Shaddy Acres Football team. Barrett, know, blocking bullets is not all that easy.

In a shocking revelation, after starting off the season 0-9, the Chicago Bulls are one of the, if not the hottest teams currently in the NBA having gone 17-9 since the tumultuous beginning and have currently staked claim to the 8th playoff spot thanks to two wins back-to-back against the New York Knickerbockers. Umm...can you smell gunpowder from the gun that Isiah Thomas is going to use to fire Lenny Wilkens. Umm....raise your hand if you think it should be Thomas who should be fired for trading and signing a good portion of the team that is tied for first in the Atlantic Division while playing below .500 ball. And when I say fired, I mean run out of town a la Michael Jordan and Washington D.C.

In a related note, the Bulls would be in first place in the Atlantic Division (Currently in first place is a three-way tie between New York, Boston and Philadelphia) by a full game margin. Meanwhile, in the Central Division they are currently in fourth place out by 5 games.

From Head Coach of the University of Washington to Quarterbacks Coach of the Baltimore Ravens, Rick Neuheisel has apparently accepted the position for the upcoming 2005 season. Apparently, betting on sports is ok within the Ravens organization. And why not, you already have a player who has all but admitted to charges of federal drug conspiracy charges and another player who was charged with murder. So I guess the front office decided that they needed a little bit of that on its coaching staff, plus, compared to the players, what is a little gambling compared to federal drug charges and murder? Really, its nothing at all, almost like Jaywalking.

The Patriots. They somehow found a way to stop the Manning Express in a way no one else found. It mostly consisted of having his receivers drop the ball, fumble the ball and the defense unable to get off the field. Where last season Manning was pretty awful in the playoff game, this season his teammates played the poor game. Give credit to Bill Belichick, Romeo Crennel and Charlie Weis for coming up with a solid gameplan..........again. And yet, because the Patriots will have a very good chance of going to the Super Bowl, Romeo Crennel (a favorite for the Cleveland Browns Head Coaching vacancy) may get shut out of it because he would be the defensive coordinator for one of the two defenses heading to the Super Bowl. Something just ain't right.

Kobe Bryant will be out at least two more weeks with his ankle injury. Raise your hand if you still care.

Also related to caring, does anyone still realize that the NHL still has not played a game this season below the border between the U.S. and Canada? And here I did not know what I would do with all this free time I use to spend watching the NHL. All 2 minutes and 24 seconds per season on ESPN when there was absolutely nothing else on TV to which then I would give up and stare at a wall instead.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Quick Hits #3

That's what Randy Moss was fined for his unimaginative fake mooning of the crowd at Lambeau Field. In a conversation with a reporter as he was entering into his car after practice on Thursday, the reporter asked if he had written out the check yet. Moss' answer, "When your rich, you don't write checks." "If you don't write checks, how do you pay these guys?" "Straight cash, homey."
When asked what he thought about the $10,000, he said, "Ain't nothing but 10 grand. What's 10 me?"
This just comes to prove, who still says "homey"? Get with it already Randy. We are so on to you and your out of style ways.

Major League Baseball just severely changed their drug testing policy that includes off-season testing, and significantly changing the suspension period for violating players. When hearing of the change, Jason Giambi, Gary Sheffield, Barry Bonds and Sammy Sosa all asked if the stadiums could move the outfield walls in by 50 feet because they cannot hit home runs as often and as far without their steroids, I mean their "candy".

So the Chicago Bulls have recently rattled off two 5-game winning streaks with only a 7-point defeat to the defending champs, the Pistons in fight-central Detroit. Since the Bulls' 0-9 start, they are 15-9 and are vying for a spot in the playoffs. The last time the Bulls were this close was when Michael Jordan wore a Bulls uniform and, oh, they did not suck.

On the other hand, the Minnesota Timberwolves with stud, Kevin Garnett, cannot win a game having lost 8 of their last ten. But I will be comfortable at night as long as Latrell Sprewell and his $15 million salary will be able to feed his family. Apparently they eat Dodo birds and dinosaurs for dinner in the land of CRAZY. Head Coach Flip Saunders, you hear that? That is

Kobe Bryant severely sprained his ankle Thursday night in a game against the Cavaliers after landing on Ira Newble's foot. This is proof that if you rape someone, force one of the best players and one of the best coaches of all-time to leave your team, that bad things can happen. That and playing hard.

Michelle Wie continues to enter Men's PGA Tournaments on Sponsor exemptions. At the Sony Open at the Waialae Country Club in Honolulu, HI. On Thursday, in her opening round, she shot an unimpressive 75, translating into needing a solid performance on Friday in order to make the cut. Maybe its just me, and I know she is only 15, and I know she can hit a ball very, very far, but I think until she wins the Women's Amateurs, she should probably stick on the women's side, cause right now she is so extremely over-hyped. What's next, are we gonna say that Emeka Okafor is the next Karl Malone? Maybe Dan O'Brien is going to win the Olympic Games in the Decathalon versus Dave. Michelle, please see Annika Sorenstam as to how to conduct yourself as a female golfer on the PGA Tour.

One last note dealing with this, since female activist groups have been so involved with Golf recently (see the Masters), what would happen if Tiger Woods or Vijay Singh were to get a sponsor exemption to play on the LPGA Tour and play in one tournament? We are trying to have no gender bias issues, but then the women's tour sets a double standard. Hmmm...

Oh, please bring me the head of agent Scott Boras.

In case you missed it, Jackie Christie and her husband were recently offered a television show on VH1. Jackie's husbad and bitch is Orlando Magic guard, Doug Christie.

One last point to make, Peyton Manning received 48 of 49 votes for MVP of the NFL this season. The one other vote went to Atlanta's Michael Vick. Now, I am not "playa hatin'", Vick had a very good year, but I do not even think he should be going to the Pro Bown over Brett Favre, let alone be getting a vote for the MVP of Peyton Manning and his record-breaking 49 touchdown passes. Sports writer in Atlanta, you should have all priviledges and credentials revoked.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Quick Hits #2

*Note to Readers, do not expect to receive daily Quick Hits, in the beginning I would like to, but like everything else, this high of a pace like that of a sprinter running in a marathon, just cannot be kept.

After presenting Carlos Beltran to the New York media, the Mets have let it be known that they are now in pursuit of Carlos Delgado for between $12-13 million per year. They are acting much like their cross-borough neighbors and buying everything that is not stapled down. Just so the Mets know, I am available for between $2-4 for 5 years. By the way, that is two to five dollars, not two to five million.

If Delgado is signed by the Mets, he would provide a strong punch in the middle of the lineup. Granted, if they do not sign him, reports indicate the Mets may trade for Cubs slugger Sammy Sosa to provide a punch for their lineup. Or, as Cubs fans saw last season, a sneeze in their lineup.

Speaking of punches in a lineup, Randy Johnson, when leaving his hotel in New York en route to his physical, got into a skirmish with a television cameraman, to which to apologized later via his agent. I wish I had an agent, and was a professional athlete for no other reason than I could push people around and have someone else clean up my mess. Maybe their is another job like this, oh wait, there is, its called the President of the United States.

Speaking of government positions where sports are hurting young people's actions. How hard is it to say to a child that you should not do drugs like these professional athletes when the mayor of Washington was caught smoking crack? What do you say to these kids?
Adult: Don't do drugs little Timmy, even though your heros Jason Giambi, Gary Sheffield and Barry Bonds took them. What do you think you could do if you take drugs?
Child: I could become mayor of Washington D.C.

The Chicago Bears recently hired ex-Illinois Head Football Coach Ron Turner to return to Chicago as their Offensive Coordinator. This is a coach who after bringing his team to a BCS bowl game quickly saw his team fall apart and become one of the worst teams in all Division I-A college football. Well, at least the Bears are already use to mediocrity when it comes to offense, they have been poor on offense ever since Walter Payton played on the team and the offense was only good because he could rush with a poor offensive line for much of his career and could catch the ball out of the backfield and make people miss.

Doug Christie of the Sacramento Kings was traded yesterday from the Kings to Orlando in exchange for Cuttino Mobley and Michael Bradley. Did the Magic ask Mrs. Christie for her permission to let Doug play basketball in Orlando?

So Tiger Woods ends up in third place in the first gold tournament on the PGA Tour of the season. Officially start the rumors that his career is on a downfall. I mean, he only made $89 million last year in endorsement and appearance money and got married to a hot woman and has played solid golf since his marriage.

Definition of Class-Act? Peyton Manning, near-unanimous choice to be the NFL's MVP while setting the single season record for touchdown passes at 49 in his press conference said he was surprised he was chosen and what an honor it was to win it two years in a row. Especially considering the company of other two-time quarterback winners which include Johnny Unitas, Joe Montana, Steve Young and Kurt Warner. Randy Moss displayed his respect by mooning Manning and Joe Buck was instantly mortified.....again.

Monday, January 10, 2005

Quick Hits #1

First of all, it has been some time since I have written a Quick Hits column, so it feels real good to be back to working on them again. I feel like Michael Jordan after his first retirement, fresh and ready to work hard to prove I still have it. I could use a fadeaway jumper like his and the endorsement money never hurts....but anyways....

Randy think he likes attention? Pretends to pull his pants down in Lambeau Field when his team was about to win a playoff game in Green Bay. It was only their third win in 23 chances outside of a domed stadium. This happened a week after he walked off the field with two seconds left and his team down by only three points. Hey Randy, what next, you gonna drive over a traffic officer? Oh wait, done. Maybe you could bring with a Sharpie and sign your name on a football. Oh wait, done.

Carlos Beltran signed a 7-year, $119 Million contract with the Mets. All this after there were no real suitors for Beltran after the Astros lost the right to negotiate for Beltran until May 1st. The only other possible suitors, the Cubs and the Yankees, only gave luke warm responses to Beltran but balked at his $100+ million contract demand. This after the Mets overpaid for Pedro Martinez.....Doesn't this sound a lot like contracts they gave to Mo Vaughn, Bobby Bonilla, Tom Glavine or, well, anyone that is given a contract by the Mets.

The Mets still have interest in another overpaid, past his prime hitter in Sammy Sosa. Mets GM Omar Minaya can make it a clean sweep of overpaying for underperforming players. I hear Mo Vaughn and Ty Cobb are both looking to come back to play.

In a shocking surprise, I think George Steinbrenner had a heart attack minutes before he could call Brian Cashman to call Scott Boras to outbid the Mets to sign Beltran. How could he let another team, let alone another New York team, buy the biggest free agent on the offseason market.

Peyton Manning threw for 360 yards in the Colts 49-24 destruction of the Denver the first half!!! For ended the game with 457 yards passing overall, oh, and 4 touchdown passes. To give you a comparison, the worst offense in the NFL this season, the Bears, the leading passer for the final two weeks of the season had 310 yeards total in the last two weeks of the season, 478 yards in the final three games combined. Are we still curious why the Colts just manhandled a team in the first round of the playoffs and Peyton Manning was the Offensive Player of the Year this season versus the Bears are snuggled up under a blanket at home in front of a fire after a 5-11 season and Chad Hutchinson started the season surfing off the coast of California?

Final Hit, Kobe Bryant, ever since his turmoil with Shaquile O'Neal and Phil Jackson, oh and a rape charge in Colorado, has seen his jersey sales plummet. He finised the year in the top 10, but he finished the month of December at no. 72 and in one week fell to as low as No. 90. Its good to see that if you rape someone, and bad-mouth all the important people on a team that you are a part of, that the main thing that is effected and reported about is how poor your jersey sales have done around Christmas time. I am just worried if Kobe's eleventy billion dollar contract will allow him to make payments on his wife's 9,000 karrot diamond ring and be able to afford to put food on the table for his daughter.

Quick Hits Introduction.....

I just want to introduce everyone to my new blogger at This page will be about what I call "Quick Hits" which are sarcastic comments about anything in sports nationwide and what I will make short comments about them. I started doing this when I was contributing to a column on that did not make it too long, but since i enjoyed doing it, and miss doing it, I decided, in light of recent events in sports, that it was time I came back and devoted an entire site to it. So sit back, relax, enjoy a cup of coffee, and let the hitting begin. I always love feedback and hearing what everyone thinks of what I write, so please, I am not going to hold back on anything that happens in sports, so please dont hold back on telling me if you think something was funny, or true, or even how awful I am. Thanks.