Column about sports where one-liners and sarcasm will be the theme in the ever laughable world of professional sports.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

On a Happier Note.....

Plaxico Burress, the star wide receiver on the New York football Giants was shot in the leg at a nightclub on himself. Let me say this again, he shot himself in the leg. It was accidental, geez, good to hear he was not on a death wish by shooting himself in the leg.Apparently his gun (which he did not have a license for a concealed weapon in New York, but that is neither here nor there right now) slipped below the waistband of his sweat pants and when he went to adjust it, the gun discharged a bullet into his leg. Now, there are like 10 hilarious things here to discuss. Lets start with this one and work our way forward. He is at a New York nightclub, where I couldnt get in with $100 bills stapled to my $1,000 suit, but he is getting in with sweat pants. Sweat Pants! Plaxico, I know you signed a large enough contract to play professional football that you can afford pants that dont stretch with you in all your movements when lifting weights. I cannot get over the fact the this professional football player, who plays for a New York team, goes to a club in sweat pants. Do we think they were the nice Russel Athletic sweat pants with the Giants logo on them or like really crummy ones he got from a second-hand store where the, wait for it, the waistband is losing its elasticity? Hmmm...maybe because of these second-hand store sweat pants with the weakening elastic the gun was able to slide down his pants. I am sure with more quality sweat pants that gun would have remaining firmly in place at waist level,Next, lets discuss now how the gun went from being in waistband to down his pants to being fired. Doesnt it have to be....gulp..cocked to fire. I hated that whole sequence of words, but something had to cock his gun...and the only thing down his pants that could have cocked his gun would be.....his hand through his pants. What else could it be? Hmm........If only there was a stigma for black men and somehow cocking a gun down that had falled below his waistband and needs something not small to cock the down and remove the safety. If only there was something else that could have cocked the gun. I will leave this for Robert Stack and the Unsolved Mysteries team, or send Gary Sinise and the CSI:NY team to dust for prints and solve this one.Lastly, can we discuss him with a gun in the first place? Are his bitches so difficult to deal with that he needs to cap a bullet in them? I wouldnt be able to look him in the face since I would be laughing too hysterically because of the sweat pants to be able to say anything too him. It just goes to show, if you are an athlete or a celebrity you can barely wear items that qualify as acceptable outdoor clothing and get away with it. If I wore sweat pants out of the house and my friends or family saw me they would either assume I am sick or also believe the voices in my head had finally gotten to me. They definitely would not be assuming that I was on my way to a club and packing heat in my waist band as well.Do we think that Plax will get frisked everytime he enters a club from now on? Especially if he is wearing sweat pants. Hey Plax, I am not saying you have to spend a lot of money, but once a year Gap has a denim sale, you should go buy a pair of jeans or two. They come in an assortment of colors. Or, if you really feel like going all out, but dont want to break your bank, you can always go to Mens Wearhouse and get a pair of trousers or a suit to wear when you go out. You could get one for $600 there...and that way you would not have to feel squeezed that your annual salary of just over $4 million could not cover it. I hear if you are nice, a salvation army may have a suit in your size. Or, with the holidays approaching maybe when you wake up on Christmas morning, and you run down the stairs (or saunter due to your current wound) to your Christmas tree, maybe, oh just maybe, Santa will have brought you some pants.


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