Column about sports where one-liners and sarcasm will be the theme in the ever laughable world of professional sports.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Occasionally Coherent Ramblings #21

I think it is time that I come back to this. It has been some time (2006) and I have the time. Seriously, nothing important happened in sports in 2007 and 98% of 2008, right? Right? Damn, so I fell off the wagon, or is it fall on the wagon? Do people really know? If I am a drug abuser, and I begin smoking weed again, does Ricky Williams get high? Does Shawn Merriman somehow get away with being a steroid abuser and still not get truly busted by the court of Public Opinion? Ok, I have veered way off course.

So, in a big announcement today, the New York Knickerbockers traded away almost 30% of the team for some new linoleum tiles that Home Depot couldnt give away in a deal with GM that is so desperate to unload the craptastically awful PT Cruiser for an extra $1.99. Sadly, that is no joke about the PT Cruiser. Buy one car, and get this PT Cruiser for an extra $1.99. And we wonder why Detroit automakers are asking for financial help from the government, you are selling a car for $1.99! You know where I thought I was getting a deal for $1.99 was at Boston Market when I spent $20 on dinner and bought a second chicken for $1.99. A second chicken for $1.99 is equal to a new car!

So the Knicks gave away two of the scorers on the team (Zach Randolph and Jamal Crawford) and are keeping a guy that couldnt make it in the Bulls backcourt. Yipes! No, it was a good move for the Knicks since they are only on the hook for bad contracts for this season and next instead of for two more seasons beyond this year. Oh, and they got Cuttino Mobley whose biggest impact on television was his appearance on Bravos! Million Dollar Listing and we found out that in his pimped out home in Southern California he let the home fall to crap, and have major issues throughout and never called a repairman. Oh and they are getting beaten up by the Milwaukee Bucks. The Milwaukee Bucks!

Michael Vick agreed to a suspended sentence in Virginia and.....who cares Michael! No where you will ever play will ever like you, and I will ignore my Chicago Bears if they were to sign you, and we havent had a quarterback since Sid Luckman. Sid Luckman! I am not sure my father was even alive when Sid Luckman played football. But dont worry, we will draft Rex Grossman and Cade McNown. But they will finally lose the fan base if they were to sign the Dog Whisperer.

A Jets QB was in the news....and it wasnt Brett Favre. I am guessing the microphone couldnt get close enough to Favre. No, the news was that the fourth or fifth string QB, Erik "Dont call me Danny" Ainge got a four game suspension for use of an illegal substance (read steroids). This is making top-line news, yet he is already on Injured Reserve for the season. Does he get suspended for next seasons games? No. He is told he cannot participate with a team that he couldnt anyways because he is hurt. This is either a major flaw in the steroid use policy or a real slow news day....or both. Cant we get Terrell Owens to cry or complain about his contract or cry about his contract? Cant we just get news that George Steinbrenner is giving away the team to Hank.....oh, he did give the team away to Hank? No, to Hal? How pissed is Hank! What kinds of damn names did George give his kids? Hank and Hal? He should have just done the respectable thing for a man like Steinbrenner and name his two boys George II and George III. I am pissing someone off with a little grill in the middle of their fraternity house.

In some sad news, Annika Sorenstam, arguably the greatest female golfer ever, missed the cut in her final professional tournament. Everyone, please stand up and give this woman a standing applause. She is everything that is right about sports, and represented herself with class and style. I am looking at you Michelle Wei. Before failing on the men's tour, you should try to not fail on the women's tour.

Last note, our favorite porn-star mustache wearing congressman, Rep. Henry Waxman of California replaced Rep. John Dingell, who called, "the tough, cantankerous eminence grise of the House Democratic caucus..." We of the sports world all remember Rep. Henry Waxman and his mustache at the hearings with Roger Clemens' retarded, insane cousin. What? That was Clemens? Ok....if you say so. Any who. Those who look at websites not only involving sports get to look at Rep. Waxman's awesome mustache and pig-like snout. But I hear he is smart. I feel like I have made a comment like that before, a back-handed compliment. I think it was when I was introduced to a friend of a friend who was trying to set me up with her. She was not attractive, nor slight of weight, nor funny, nor an enjoyable human-being. So when asked what I felt about her I said she looked like she had good skin. Although we were in a dark bar, so I could be wrong. Then she would have no positive attribute.


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