Column about sports where one-liners and sarcasm will be the theme in the ever laughable world of professional sports.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Occasionally Coherent Ramblings in Sports #23

So I was correct in 2 of 3 choices yesterday in college football. I was correct in Ohio State (not a difficult choice), was wrong about Illinois, and was correct about Oklahoma. I figured with Northwestern already guaranteed a bowl bid and Illinois playing for one that Illinois would come out firing. Northwestern totally dominated the game, and you know NU coach Pat Fitzgerald loved every second of it considering Illinois rejected giving Fitzgerald a chance to play football. As for the OU-TTU, I was thoroughly disappointed. The game was just a total shellacking, and just embarrassing for TTU.

Another day of football has come and passed and another pathetic showing of my fantasy football squad. I am soon going to have professional football players pay me not to draft them.

The Detroit Lions may just be the worst football team I have seen play in the last 5 years....until I watched the Rams play against the Bears. They are an embarrassment to professional football and for the town of St. Louis. I could have rushed for 50 yards against that defensive line and I am slow. I am sure I can run a 40-yard dash in 15 seconds flat.

Andy Reid pulled Donovan McNabb for the second half of the game. after turning the ball over 2 more times, concluding a dreadful week for McNabb which he admitted to not knowing that an NFL football game ends in a tie if no points are scored in overtime. This patheic play of McNabb is helping Andy Reid hide the fact that he is an awful coach. Same goes for Norv Turner. Has one man not named O.J. gotten more chances than Norv Turner? He took a talented team and turned them into a team that struggles to do anything cohesive.

Standing applause to the hard work of Matt Cassel, Bill Belichick and Josh McDaniels for Cassels abilities after not starting a game since high school. The system and his hard work have allowed a team who lost arguably the best QB in the NFL within the first few minutes of the season to possibly do some harm in the playoffs. Many people are saying the Jets are the best team in the AFC right now, and the Pats-Jets game was a high-scoring affair. If that game is played again in the playoffs, and Brett Favre has to lead the Jets in the last few minutes, I would bet against him....but it is leading to an interesting side-story.

So the NBA season has started to a thunk, but the NHL seems to be on the rise. There are some new good players in the NHL and big city teams like the Blackhawks are looking like real contenders again and the fans are attending games in droves. Which is great for all you white people north of the border.

Side note, a wife of a friend of mine, who we are in the same fantasy league together asked me today when fantasy football is response, "Never!" Unfortunately this is very true....especially for those in keeper leagues.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Occasionally Coherent Ramblings in Sports #22

Can we please ship Starbury to the island in the movie "Castaway" and just leave him there. For a guy who is a mediocre player at best, and a me-first small point guard, he has the ego of a Top 5 player in sports.

Roger Clemens son is practicing for his father and his future in getting away with a crime with charges against him being dropped for community service. Who will be the first athlete to commit murder and get off with community service? I mean, Ray Lewis got away with murder, O.J. got away with a double murder. But no one has gotten off of murder with Community Service....yet.

Big applause for Coach Paterno coming back in 2009. How can you not love this guy? Plus, he is coaching a real solid team.

Also in the news, like I was expecting yesterday, TO complained to the press about the production of the offense. TO, close your mouth and get back to work. Maybe your mouth running is hurting your team. Only TO would be complaining to the press during a week after a big win. If TO were a horse, we all would have begged for the opportunity to hang the curtain and turn him into glue. Unlike what happened at the Kentucky Derby, no women would be crying about TO....well, except for his baby mommas.

And P.J. Carlesimo and his 1976 glasses were fired after the Thunder have only won one time out of 13 times. It isnt a good team, but it is not simply P.J.'s fault. You might as well let him finish the year out and start over in the offseason. Oh, and with all the issues with the owner moving the team from basketball crazy Seattle to Oklahoma City, you may want to bring in some talent other than Kevin Durant.

Oh, and Ohio State over Michigan, Illinois over Northwestern, and Oklahoma over Texas Tech. Although personally I hope Texas Tech wins, no offense to Oklahoma, I just love watching Harrell and Crabtree work.

Tomorrow will mark a big loss for my Bears, and pretty much a quick unraveling of the season. I like Orton, and hope he can be the guy into the future. He will become better once he gets better receivers around him. This means an end to the Booker-era revisited, Brandon Lloyd, and hello to another high draft pick and, for the love of God, the signing of Anquan Boldin. But we know that wont happen.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Occasionally Coherent Ramblings #21

I think it is time that I come back to this. It has been some time (2006) and I have the time. Seriously, nothing important happened in sports in 2007 and 98% of 2008, right? Right? Damn, so I fell off the wagon, or is it fall on the wagon? Do people really know? If I am a drug abuser, and I begin smoking weed again, does Ricky Williams get high? Does Shawn Merriman somehow get away with being a steroid abuser and still not get truly busted by the court of Public Opinion? Ok, I have veered way off course.

So, in a big announcement today, the New York Knickerbockers traded away almost 30% of the team for some new linoleum tiles that Home Depot couldnt give away in a deal with GM that is so desperate to unload the craptastically awful PT Cruiser for an extra $1.99. Sadly, that is no joke about the PT Cruiser. Buy one car, and get this PT Cruiser for an extra $1.99. And we wonder why Detroit automakers are asking for financial help from the government, you are selling a car for $1.99! You know where I thought I was getting a deal for $1.99 was at Boston Market when I spent $20 on dinner and bought a second chicken for $1.99. A second chicken for $1.99 is equal to a new car!

So the Knicks gave away two of the scorers on the team (Zach Randolph and Jamal Crawford) and are keeping a guy that couldnt make it in the Bulls backcourt. Yipes! No, it was a good move for the Knicks since they are only on the hook for bad contracts for this season and next instead of for two more seasons beyond this year. Oh, and they got Cuttino Mobley whose biggest impact on television was his appearance on Bravos! Million Dollar Listing and we found out that in his pimped out home in Southern California he let the home fall to crap, and have major issues throughout and never called a repairman. Oh and they are getting beaten up by the Milwaukee Bucks. The Milwaukee Bucks!

Michael Vick agreed to a suspended sentence in Virginia and.....who cares Michael! No where you will ever play will ever like you, and I will ignore my Chicago Bears if they were to sign you, and we havent had a quarterback since Sid Luckman. Sid Luckman! I am not sure my father was even alive when Sid Luckman played football. But dont worry, we will draft Rex Grossman and Cade McNown. But they will finally lose the fan base if they were to sign the Dog Whisperer.

A Jets QB was in the news....and it wasnt Brett Favre. I am guessing the microphone couldnt get close enough to Favre. No, the news was that the fourth or fifth string QB, Erik "Dont call me Danny" Ainge got a four game suspension for use of an illegal substance (read steroids). This is making top-line news, yet he is already on Injured Reserve for the season. Does he get suspended for next seasons games? No. He is told he cannot participate with a team that he couldnt anyways because he is hurt. This is either a major flaw in the steroid use policy or a real slow news day....or both. Cant we get Terrell Owens to cry or complain about his contract or cry about his contract? Cant we just get news that George Steinbrenner is giving away the team to Hank.....oh, he did give the team away to Hank? No, to Hal? How pissed is Hank! What kinds of damn names did George give his kids? Hank and Hal? He should have just done the respectable thing for a man like Steinbrenner and name his two boys George II and George III. I am pissing someone off with a little grill in the middle of their fraternity house.

In some sad news, Annika Sorenstam, arguably the greatest female golfer ever, missed the cut in her final professional tournament. Everyone, please stand up and give this woman a standing applause. She is everything that is right about sports, and represented herself with class and style. I am looking at you Michelle Wei. Before failing on the men's tour, you should try to not fail on the women's tour.

Last note, our favorite porn-star mustache wearing congressman, Rep. Henry Waxman of California replaced Rep. John Dingell, who called, "the tough, cantankerous eminence grise of the House Democratic caucus..." We of the sports world all remember Rep. Henry Waxman and his mustache at the hearings with Roger Clemens' retarded, insane cousin. What? That was Clemens? Ok....if you say so. Any who. Those who look at websites not only involving sports get to look at Rep. Waxman's awesome mustache and pig-like snout. But I hear he is smart. I feel like I have made a comment like that before, a back-handed compliment. I think it was when I was introduced to a friend of a friend who was trying to set me up with her. She was not attractive, nor slight of weight, nor funny, nor an enjoyable human-being. So when asked what I felt about her I said she looked like she had good skin. Although we were in a dark bar, so I could be wrong. Then she would have no positive attribute.