Column about sports where one-liners and sarcasm will be the theme in the ever laughable world of professional sports.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Occasionally Coherent Ramblings #18

Oh how the madness! This is what I love about Chicago and Wrigley Field. Jacque Jones, who made the classic professional athlete mistake, and insulted the fans he was there to entertain, got doubled off of second base and then, in the eighth inning, prior to the inning beginning had a baseball thrown at him by a fan that almost hit him in the head. The greatest part about this, and this may only be done in Wrigley Field, the largest bar in Chicago, it was thrown by a woman! He pointed her out and she was detained. But in classic masculine-feminine style, she was not arrested. Any man would have been arrested but she was let off the hook. She was known to be "Under the Influence" which means people are using booze as an excuse, which is my #1 or #2 rule that you cannot do something and blame poor ole defenseless, delicious booze. She should be arrested and she should be treated the same way as to when I did it, or could have done it.

The Miami Heat burned the Nets last night in 5 games. The Bulls put together a better series and have no one on the team.

Larry Brown is about to be bought out of his contract with $40-44M remaining on it. This means he gets $40M to no longer have to be a part of the worst run franchise in all of sports (this includes the Chicago Blackhawks) and gets paid a lot to go coach somewhere else. All the reports say that Brown did a poor job of coaching this past year, and who am I to judge. Actually, I am just the person to judge. He did a crap-tastic job, and was surrounded with more me-first, shoot-first guys on one team assembled since the past Olympic Basketball Team. Difference, more talent on the Olympic Team, other similarity, same head coach....hmmmm......I would not hire Larry Brown, and his high-priced, ultra-arrogant ways to save my life. I think there are plenty of better coaches available like Kurt Rambis or Tummi Gummi from the Gummi Bears cartoon show (

Third duke player got indicted on rape, kidnapping, pilagging, extortion, racketeering, death of the first born and all the other plagues. This whole thing is being drawn out by the media by now. Now I am not calling her a liar, I would never do that without knowing more about the case, but two thoughts come to mind, A) Rich school kids, playing a rich kids game, drinking rich beer (made that part up) = $$$ to many people (strippers). B) If this were football and involving a black athlete playing for Florida State or Nebraska (odd how I chose those schools, huh?) this would be a big deal for about 24 mins. But since it involves an institution thought of with the utmost respect with white kids, all of a sudden its a travesty or tragedy, I do not really know. (FYI, I am white, so you cannot play the race card with me.)

Barry Bonds got booed in Houston. But who hasnt.

On a sad note, jackass basketball player, Larry Hughes, lost his brother who had a heart defect. Hughes, who had offers to play at big schools, chose to play his one college year at St Louis Univeristy to be close to home and his brother. This is proof that all these rich basketball players with the me-first attitude can actually have a heart (no pun intended) when you strip them down to a place where money is not involved. I do not like Larry Hughes the basketball player, but my heart still goes out to him or anyone who has ever lost a sibling, parent or family member. Him leaving his team in the playoffs with full team support proves how important his brother is and will be to him and the effect he had on the other team members.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Occasionally Coherent Ramlbings #17

I said I was back but then forgot to actually follow up those words. Look, here I am, face-to-face, A couple of Silver Spoons. Together.....

Barry Bonds is one Home Run from tying the Babe. Look like he had it off of Cubs pitcher Rich Hill, until Juan Pierre stole the home run and caught it over the wall. Funny, Pierre stole the home run like Bonds is stealing the home run record.

Speaking of Bonds, and this is coming from someone who really liked Bonds for a long time, next time you have a chance to watch a montage of Bonds over the years, watch it, preferably in sequential order. You will see, in almost flipbook manner, a man getting bigger and bigger and bigger, and now, fatter and fatter......Although he still does have one of the most pure swings you will ever see.

So the NBA playoffs and NHL playoffs are well under way, the four fans seem to care. Although, I did watch a bunch on the Bulls-Heat games (I am a Bulls fan) I liked watching them play since they play selfish, hard-working basketball. They move the ball on offense and are fun to watch, almost like a college team. Coincidentally, they are so young, many of them should still be in college.

I am getting annoyed in the mornings when I watch Mike & Mike in the morning and they go to show highlights during the breaks and they are wasting my time showing NHL highlights. Are there highlights? Hockey is so boring, I would rather watch two fat guys playing catch in the backyard of their trailer home. Or even worse, Brittney Spears talking.

It does amaze me the conquest the NFL has taken over this country. The Super Bowl ended the first Sunday in February. They had plenty of talk after the Super Bowl about Free Agency and then the Draft, but they are still having more coverage about rookie training camps (see Marcus "Loser" Vick) than the NHL can get during the playoffs. Owners and players, "Oopsie on the Strike".

Raise your hand if you are loving the fact that Albert Pujols is on course to hit 83 home runs this year. It pains me to say this as a die-hard Cubs fan, but I love watching Albert hit. He is a great hitter that understands each and every at-bat. He hits with power and hits with average and knows when to shorten his swing to get the ball in play. By the way, did I mention he was clutch (see home run off Brad Lidge in last year's playoffs). I really hope he destroys Bonds' home run record for this season so we can remove that asterisk. The only thing I would worry about, and Albert seems like a naturally big, strong guy, but what if we find out later on that Albert is also on the juice? I still think A-Rod is on the juice. Or, at least, was on the juice.

I know that I am no owner of a sports franchise, but I better be careful with my choice of words considering how the NBA would have no problem with fining me if I said something they deemed as being inappropriate. This all comes after Mark Cuban insulted the refereeing in the playoffs....oh yeah, on his blog. This is why I do not make fun of the refereeing at my job, if they fine me any amount, let alone the $200,000 they fined Cuban, I would be paying them to work here.....a feeling I already have.

By the way, let the celebrations begin, the Cubs end their losing streak and Carlos Zambrano got winner number one for the season. Yes, it was on May 10th.

Final Thoughts:
Paul Shirley has a chat column on and I find it hilarious. He also has a spot on that is real funny. I would check it out. Nothing like self-deprecating humor and how he struggles getting women at 6'10". Now people know how I feel at the total opposite side of the spectrum, me being a fierce 5'5".

I watched the NFL Draft again, 8 years in a row now, and although I am willing to admit that I am a dork for doing so, I would rather be a dork about the NFL Draft than say, go to a Star Trek or a Star Wars convention.

On the note of conventions, I was at a seminar for work at a hotel near O'Hare Airport in Chicago where in the same hotel there was a convention for Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Talk about your female equivalent of Star Trek losers. I had never seen so many mother-daughter relationships built on hot pants, big glasses, 80s hair, pimples and guts as I got to see with this mutant bunch of people. X-Men IV should be this group of people running a 25-yard dash, wait, I should not be mean or expect too much, so a 10-yard dash, and watch what happens to them afterwards, between clutching there hearts, passing out from exhaustion or when one dies the others feeding off the dead. Who knows.

Last point, how much am I enjoying baseball this year, other than Derrek Lee getting hurt and the Cubs falling apart, that the two best divisions in baseball are the NL and AL Central. ESPN must be so disappointed that the NL and AL East are not so great. I love it!